Last night I found my joy.

I had always thought of joy more as a state of being. I had never really thought of it as something that could be lost or taken away until Lucinda Williams' song "Joy" jabbed me in the ribs with the realization that joy can be stolen if I allow it.

My joy has been missing for a while, only reappearing fleetingly, until last night when I was able to see it clearly and allow it to pull me in close and give me a big, warm bear hug.

I was returning from a whirlwind one-day trip to Florida and I was exhausted. As we landed in Rochester, it began to snow. My first reaction was annoyance. "I can't believe it's snowing. It's almost April. It was 60 degrees out just the other day. What a bummer to come back from 80-degree sunny weather to this mess." I scurried from the plane, through the snow to the terminal, barely looking up from the ground in front of me.

Then, as I drove out of the parking ramp and opened my window to pay, the wind blasted me in the face and funneled snow into my car. Nickel-sized flakes stuck to the dash, my coat and my face. And suddenly my eyes were opened. I smiled. I looked around and saw the sticky white snow flying everywhere. I closed my eyes for a second and felt it hit my face. The beauty of the scene made my heart feel warm inside my chest.

I took joy in the snow. And it felt wonderful. As I drove home and the snow blew into my windshield, I felt at peace. And, as if I was in a movie, the radio provided the perfect soundtrack as it began to play "Do You Realize??" by the Flaming Lips.

Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round

Take joy in today.

I miss blogging. It's something I truly enjoy. There's nothing like piecing together some thoughts and flinging them out there like panties at Rod Stewart concert, not knowing whose head they will land on.


Unfortunately I face several obstacles to my blogging career, not the least of which is material. It may just be insecurity or a lack of proper perspective, but I struggle to find as many interesting things to blog about as in those early years when I had tales of BYOB bowling alleys to tell or concerts to recap just about every other day, it seemed. Now I'm sure some of this is perception. I still have crazy experiences and unusual encounters with people as I always did, but they somehow seem less fantastic as they pile up in that ever more crowded closet of life experiences and fade from my consciousness much more quickly than they used to. As my life is filled with more and more responsibilities, my mind has less and less time to dwell on the light-hearted and the absurd. A depressing thought, I know, but a reality nonetheless.

I sometimes consider writing about what I am thinking about these days, work stuff and more personal concerns. But let's face it, engineering talk often isn't particularly interesting to most people PLUS it's usually a risky career move to go blabbing about clients or colleagues online, no matter how broad the terms are or how you try to mask identities.

Then there's the personal stuff. Again there's a risk to putting unresolved concerns or uncensored feelings out there on there in cyberspace, not knowing who will find them and misconstrue them. I've always had this concern/neurosis about things that I'm working on, that I hate for people to see them before they're fully realized. It's like tasting a cake pulled out of the oven 15 minutes early. You can't fairly assess it's quality or the proficiency of the baker based on the specimen because it's not done yet. So whether it's design work for my job, or just vocalizing my thoughts, I struggle to permit myself to reveal them before they're fully formed. Yes, I am a bit of a perfectionist and want people to see the best I've got to offer, but also my thoughts are often rather abstract and often people don't understand or misinterpret them if I reveal them before I have the chance to develop and manipulate them into shape people can comprehend.

But of course, time is the biggest hinderance to blogging. Take this post, for example. I started it while working late last night as I waited for a particularly large 3-D design file to load on my computer. I got a couple of paragraphs in and then told myself I'd finish it at home before I went to bed. But by the time I went running, talked to Grandma, went to the grocery store, fixed dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, and showered, it was 10:45, well past bedtime. So I added another paragraph during lunch break and am writing a little more while I wait for some drawings to print (at the office late again).

Only time will tell whether this post is actually completed and published. I have a huge folder of aborted posts I have started over the past few years, but have been unable to finish before the idea expired as I feel this one is already beginning to.

So now what? Should I keep trying? I have a feeling I will fail far more than I succeed which will be extremely frustrated. So is it still worth it?

For now, I'm going to say "yes"...

Multimedia message

Gracefully? Seriously? I think I'm gonna need a diagram...

New shoes

I was thinking maybe I'd just skip the company Christmas party this year. And then I ran into these purple suede peep-toe pumps on clearance...

Thank you, Radiohead.

I know I can always count on you to keep things interesting and you have not let me down.

Hats off to the most fascinating band making music right now for thumbing their nose at the record industry and their antiquated idea on record distribution by putting out an album--for which millions of fans have been waiting five years--themselves...for download only...for free, and essentially relying on fans to voluntarily drop a donation into the hat to pay for the album.

Although it was only a matter of time before something like this happened, Radiohead's move is nonetheless incredibly important for many reasons. Above all else, though, it means the days of the big record company are numbered. The past ten years have shown that the major record companies rarely have anything to offer small up-and-coming artists. And now one of the biggest bands on the planet is proving they don't need a record company either.

But far more interesting is the effect that this act has had...on me! I haven't been this excited about a new release in quite sometime, and it appears that the new album is having the same effect on others as well. My enthusiasm for music has been restored. I have once again been spending a ridiculous amount of time browsing music blogs and trolling for videos on YouTube, particularly in regards to all things Radiohead.

With the album coming out today, I have set aside my evening to do something I haven't done in a long time: sit quietly listen to an album from beginning to end. I can't wait.

Rude Awakening

Last night, I had just fallen asleep when I got the following text message from my sister, photo attached.

Look what happened this weekend...took 5 interior and ten exterior stitches to sew it up

Ew. Apparently her softball tournament was pretty intense....

Deck the Halls...

My grocery store has Christmas stuff out already. That's just wrong.