I can no longer remain silent. I must speak out for the good of humanity. There are some who have a lot to lose and could be hurt by what I have to say. So if I disappear at least you will know who is responsible.

My message is this: Don't fly United. Ever.

I have flown United twice in the past two years and both times were extremely negative experiences. The first was about a year and a half ago when I flew to visit my friend Beth in Carlisle, PA and to go see Bob Dylan at Penn State. It had all the makings of a great weekend until...my luggage did not arrive with me. No big deal. I've had luggage lost before and it's been back to me in less than 24 hours. Inconvenient, but tolerable. But not this time. My luggage was lost all weekend, 60 hours to be exact. I called repeatedly, described my bag 348 times to 96 different people and still I heard nothing all weekend long. I was even forced to go to the concert without my lucky t-shirt (my "40 and Flawless" t-shirt that has seen many acts including Neil Young, U2, Eric Clapton, Radiohead and several other legends and has also seen Dylan on three other occations). So I got to the airport early Monday morning and inquired about my bag one last time. The guy asked my name, then went in back and came back with my bag, as if it was a coat check or something. Who knows how long it had been there, but United made no effort to get my bag to me or even contact me to let me know they had found it. Am I out of line in calling that inexcusable?

The second and final straw came last night. I was forced to fly United because my usual 5:50 flight from Dulles to Pittsburgh on USAirways was cancelled for the week. I was running late because I got stuck in a meeting and didn't get to the airport until about 50 minutes before my flight was scheduled to depart. I went to check in and the flight was overbooked and they had given away my confirmed seat. They gave me some sort of crazy story about it getting late and randomly giving away seats and me checking in "late". None of it made any sense and I was understandably peaved. I'd been up since 4:30 am, I had a lot of work to do the next morning and I just wanted to get home and go to bed. So I said, "Fine. Just get me to Pittsburgh. I don't even need a direct flight. I'll even shuttle over to Reagan National and fly out of there. Just get me to Pittsburgh tonight." No go. I was stuck in northern VA for the night with nothing more than a roll of drawings, my TI-86, and a ductulator. They booked me on the earliest flight out the next morning (I demanded USAirways), booked me a hotel, and gave me a free flight. They had to. I was about to cry. My eyes were welling up, my voice was wavering. They'd have to be stone-hearted jerks not to. So I set myself to handling what was dealt me. I crashed at the Fairfield Inn and got myself up at 4:30 am for the second morning in a row (wearing the same clothes the second morning in a row) with the anticipation of finally being able to go home. So I got to the airport and went to USAirways to check in and what do you know? United hadn't actually ticketed me for the flight and the coupon they had given me wasn't valid. Fortunately USAirways quickly remedied the problem but still...after the major screwup the night before, least they could do was make sure they had correctly booked me a flight home.

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, is: Don't fly United. Ever.